There was a night I’ll remember forever, it’s stuck with me. There are key moments to your life that one just can’t forget, no matter how hard you try. Dressed in my cute denim’s and shirt, topped with some sporty sandals and a jacket and scarf, I made my way over to Ryan’s apartment. It was a damp night with a chill in the air, but within minutes I was at his place making my way inside to a slightly less cool atmosphere. There I found Ryan and his new friend, whose name I forget at the moment, sitting on the couch enjoying a nice glass of merlot.
I said my hellos and sat down on the edge of the reclining chair that was positioned just next to the couch. They continued on with their conversation as I sat there, trying to figure out who this person was and why my boyfriend was so intrigued. She had a typical east-coast type of cuteness about her, hair done up in a quick and frenzied (but stylish) pony-tail, jeans, and boots, crazy scarf hanging loose around her shoulders.
Somehow, in my lost train of thought, they were standing up and Ryan was next to me. As No-Name was gathering her bag, Ryan leaned over to me and suggested that I go start up the shower and he would join in me in a minute. I, wanting to just let go of the evening and spend quality time with him, agreed to this point. I said good-bye to No-Name and went into the bathroom, as I turned on the light it popped and started to flicker, as fluorescents do, when attempting to work, but not really. It gave the already dingy bathroom a dirtier look. There were piles of clothes everywhere and shadows moved as the lights flickered. As I unclothed and the stood under the warm water, I could hear laughter from the front room, why wasn’t she gone already?
I heard a knock on the door and Ryan’s voice as he came in, he peeked into the shower and said quickly, “hey listen… can we do this another time. No-Name just said she’d pay for my steak down at the Ale House… and you know how much I love to go there…” It’s true he did… he might have said more, but I was livid. He started to leave, but I told him to hang on, as I jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me.
“You want me to, what… STAY here while you are out on a date?” My nerves started to tingle like I was having an out of body experience.
He sighed and looked everywhere but in my direction, “It’s not a date… it’s just dinner…”
“You have GOT to be kidding me… what happened between the time she was headed out the door and you were coming in here…?”
“… I just thought dinner would be nice… I didn’t know about the plans before we talked…”
“Dinner would be nice… I can come along then?”
He stammered and had his hand placed on the doorknob… “I just thought you wouldn’t mind me going out with a friend…”
“I don’t mind… as long as something isn’t planned and set in motion… and then 30 seconds later, it’s not changed into your going out with some girl…”
My heart was racing; my fists were clenched, what the hell was going on?
Ryan attempted to kiss me on my forehead, “I’ll be back in a little bit, you can stay here if you want. Love you.” He looked around his messy bathroom, “Can you throw in a load, please?”
I just stared at him; he walked out the door and closed it behind him.
I heard them shuffle towards the front door and closing it as they exited, even through two closed doors I could hear the laughter.
I was dumbfounded, or rather just dumb. I didn’t completely understand what had just happened, but it didn’t look good. In fact, I was the fool. I looked the part, dripping on the floor, wrapped in a towel, as my bf headed out with a ‘friend’ of the female variety.
I dried off, clothed myself and put my jacket on. I sat on the chair, the same one I had sat before the tragic play had began. I looked down and kicked a dirty sock to the middle of the room. I was pissed.
I stood and with fierce determination, began gathering all of his clothes in the bags, even the ones from the drawers. Clean or dirty, they would all be the same by the time I was done.
I had two large bags, almost everything gathered, except for the too-short shorts and a couple of muscle men t-shirts I had left in the middle of his bedroom.
I left the apartment, dragging the bags behind me. I left the apartment unlocked, what did I care if anything got stolen. The pier for the ocean was just a few blocks from his place, so I took the bags that direction, dragging them all the way to the sitting area.
The sitting area is this large wooden deck with a wooden roof; usually it’s crowded with people sitting on the benches that are there as well, just enjoying the view. Today, with the overcast day and slight drizzle, not many were around. I sat at one of the benches at the far end, closest to the ocean. I sat there thinking about everything that had happened, and how quickly things can turn around. I thought about how this could be an opportunity to turn myself around, and hold myself more valuable than a wash woman. I also thought about how stupid I was for holding onto something that, realistically, wasn’t worth it and had been going down the tunnel for a while.
After about 30 minutes of sitting, and watching the waves beat against the deck, and watching the rain melt into the waves, I stood. I grabbed the first bag of clothing, and dragged it to the edge, I swung it behind me (the way you throw a trash bag full of junk really far) and out. It didn’t make it very far, the bag was heavy, but it made it into the water none-the-less. I watched it sink and be carried away by the waves. With a slight prayer, and a goodbye that I would only know about, I threw the other bag. This one made it slightly farther out, and it didn’t sink as fast, but eventually it succumbed to the pressure of the waves.
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*Three years later I found myself in the same spot, sitting on the same bench. It was a sunny day out. I hadn’t stepped foot on the pier after that day until today. A friend of mine wanted to go and relax and take in the culture. As we sat there laughing and enjoying the day, I glanced over, and there she was, No-Name. I had no intention of talking to her. She noticed me at the same time though, and came over. Sitting beside me with a sad smile on her face, she went into a deep long apology for allowing herself to be part of a breakup in a relationship. She stated how she hadn’t given it a second thought until Ryan had done the same thing to her a few months ago. We sat there in silence for a while, realizing how crazy it is for people to not realize how much pain we can cause others until we ourselves are placed in a similar situation. We were sisters in that moment, bonded by the pain and the heartache.
(Writers Note: This was a dream I had recently… names are made up… but I wanted to share…)
